There’s a few that I’ve been meaning to articulate as some point of compass for how I’d like to live my life.
I have finally been able to articulate something, and here are a few guidelines of the moment to which I aspire to live buy.
1.Do not be a bitch. Do not be a punk.
Basically what I mean by this is that I want to be dependable, and add value to friends. I don’t want to be unreliable, and I don’t want to be someone that diminishes others i.e. someone that is just not able to let others shine. This can be subtle. For example consider the following scenarios:
- You’re with a group of friends and someone tells a captivating story and you immediately jump in to steal the thunder. “oh, that’s nothing. Look what *I* did….” etc.
- You’re out with a guy friend that is running game on a girl that you also kind of like, but so far he has the upper hand. It is time to say goodbye, and instead of being a good sport and leaving them alone for their “final” goodbye, you hang around lingering as the third wheel.
- You’ve committed to going to a party with your boy, and you decide not to go out for no good reason at the last minute. Because it’s raining or something irrelevant like that.
Basically looking to suck attention away from others to yourself is being a bitch, and being unreliable–not coming through when you said you would is being a bitch, and chronic oneupsmanship is being a bitch.
2. Money? Not a problem.
I am not “rich” at all but I believe finances is about not only the literal physical amount of money you have, but also your state of mind towards it. I want to avoid a state where my day to day activities are motivated by the checkbook. That means that I am avoiding penny-pinching. It means that if give my friend $20 for $16 movie tickets and he hasn’t given me back the $3 change it’s not keeping me up at night.
Also this means that I’m not dismissing good ideas immediately just based on money. For example, if someone asks me “Let’s go to the beach in a few weeks”, and I immediately reply or think, “Nah. I’m broke”. I am not saying to be careless, but money shouldn’t be the reason that one doesn’t dream imaginatively, and enjoy their every day lives.
Lastly on this note, it’s about freeing yourself from self-imposed shackles. I figure if one obsesses over dollars, they’ll certainly obsess over thousands or tens of thousands of dollars, so even when you have money you’ll be caught up in the same thought pattern.
3. I am not a woman.
I’m not a female. Women are different than men (they really are—I mean do guys go to the bathroom in pairs?). I like being a man and would prefer to be generally more masculine than I am feminine. That means I will not gossip, be moody, be catty, etc.
There’s A LOT more to this, but I’ll leave at this.
4. Pride and Joy in the success of others.
I want to practice being truly happy for the success and accomplishments of others. This past weekend, I attended a friends debut fashion show, and visited two friends at their new homes. One had a beautiful 2-garage 4BDR house in the suburbs of DC. The other had a chic, modern condo right in the City—a great place for a young couple to be. I was brimming with excitement for all three friends–I was truly proud of them.
If we’re honest, when others succeed, two destructive thought patterns tend to fester. Either we feel some resentment or hostility for the persons success, or we beat ourselves up for not being ‘good enough’. Both mindsets are harmful if allowed to take root. I’m striving to make sure I don’t dwell in either headspace.
I view the success of others as an inspiration, and I am grateful to have close examples of the possibilities that life offers. Besides, even from a purely selfish perspective, you should want friends to succeed. If you have friends with money, friends that can open up different social circles from what you have, that are well networked, etc, that enriches your life and offers the potential for future opportunity. Don’t hate!
5. Bullshit doesn’t concern me.
Basically by bullshit I mean trivialities that don’t matter that we worry about anyway. Like worrying about the order in which cc’s appear in an office e-mail. Or wondering if person X will hate you if you don’t invite them to your party—something that’s not under your control. Worry should be reserved for events that deserve worry.
In this I’m including stuff like celebrity gossip, and entertainment awards, and reality TV. Mild curiosity is ok—but being emotionally invested in this stuff is really pointless.
6. Nobody’s better than me, but I’m not better than anyone either.
I’m working on not being intimidated by status. Status can be very intimidating and turn people into supplicating suck-ups. That status can be from fame, from an authority position, or in the case of women it can be from looks (how many times have we men been guilty of doing something for a girl ONLY because she was very attractive?). If status intimidates you, the sinister flipside is that by definition, you’d also expect others to bow down to you. If you think others are better than you then you subscribe to a hierarchical world view in which just the way you see some above you, you see some below you.
How do you treat service personnel? Do I ever find myself thinking, “I’m above, this person talking to me like that”? etc. At work when you walk past people of a lower seniority do you ignore them, but always greet people who are senior to you?
These are principles that I’m going to strive to refocus my life on.